My Drabble

[spicedogs]

A few weeks ago, I was on our subway system and witnessed a pretty woman crying in the seat opposite mine. She was very discrete about it. However, I am an observant person (I used to focus on people to define different characters to use when I was acting), and caught her discretely wiping her eyes and then putting her sunglasses on. I started thinking about what may have caused her to cry and came up with this drabble:

She sat on an empty seat on the train. There weren’t many around. But she got lucky, she had the seat nearest to the window and no one sat next to her. She removed her sunglasses and put it inside her purse. It was a beautiful sunny day, but the cool, air-conditioned train was running underground. There was no need for the sunglasses. Her cell beeped to tell her a new text message arrived. She read it and tears started flowing. Her sunglasses went back on her face. She wished she hadn’t read the message: “I don’t love you anymore.”

(Comments are appreciated.)

 

Comments

[katje0711.livejournal.com]

Awww. That's really sad. How cold it would be for someone to text message something like that!

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was in a dark mood when I wrote it. I have no idea why she was crying. It was sad.

[katje0711.livejournal.com]

Why were you in a dark mood?

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I got in a dark mood as I started writing the story.

[mine82.livejournal.com]

oh..did that really happend or is it just a story?....

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

The lady was crying. I don't know why. I made up the reason.

[polvodestrella.livejournal.com]

aawwwww, that's sad. But so well writen, it made me shiver.

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[mine82.livejournal.com]

ah..ok..now i understand..and yes ...maybe this was the reason....but i agree with you, it´s sad!

[boheme06.livejournal.com]

Aww, I've had moments like that on train although they were usually not brought on by a text.

I wonder what was really going on. Hm.

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

I don't know what brought on the tears. I just let my imagination go rampid.

[mrslinus17.livejournal.com]

Awww. That's sad. Reading something like that in a text message is the worst way to find out.

Good writing =]

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

I thought so, that's why I wrote that way.

[saintofbodom.livejournal.com]

I love reading stuff like this. Not that I'm relishing in her misery, but attempting to put pieces of a puzzle together when you only have an incomplete idea of what the end result will look like is always entertaining. It can go in so many directions so easily. She could have been abducted by aliens, found out it was a conspiracy (given that the space ship was made of cardboard - the UPS label was a dead give away) and that her evil genius/mad dictator estranged father was behind it all.

Very good write, although it could have used a bit of fine tuning to make the end flow a little better.

[spicedogs.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You are right about the fine tune. I didn't revise it much. I tend to write and not revise.

[saintofbodom.livejournal.com]

I completely get that, as I do the same thing more often than not. It's a bad habit, in my opinion, because there's always room for improvement. Maybe it's just the perfectionist in me saying that. lol. I have a general rule for everything I write; No matter how badly you may want to show it to someone, don't. Look back on it in a week, or even a month, and decide then. Odds are you'll find something that doesn't fit, you'll fix it, and it'll be better than it was before. It's a miracle I get anything done, really.